Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Are You Going To Have More Children?

Are you going to have more children?

It's an innocent questions.  No one means any harm when they ask. But...

There are so many "buts" here.

But it becomes a problem when my answer isn't what you think it should be.

But it becomes a problem when you give me your opinion and won't stop after I've given my standard answer which is a bit of a joke and a bit serious all at the same time.

But it's a problem when you don't know that maybe there is a medical reason for the amount of children we have.  And maybe.  Just maybe.  You're bringing up issues that aren't pleasant.

But it's a problem because it's a husband and wife decision and your opinion on what we do in my family is irrelevant.

But it's a problem because really it's not your business.

I'm not a very private person.  I don't mind tell you most things about me.  But some things that I tell you about myself make you uncomfortable.  And I know that.  So I try to take that into consideration when answering questions that really aren't you business but I really don't mind discussing.

It's been years since I've been asked if we were going to have more children.  Probably since Reagan was 7 or 8 years old (she's now 13).  Until last week.

Last week I was asked if we were going to have more children....

What I wanted to say was "No! No, we are not having more children.  Reagan's 13.  I'm 40!  You can't be serious by asking me that question."  What I said was "Haha! Nope, we're not."

When Reagan was younger, back when it would of been "normal" for us to have more children.  I was asked this constantly.  No one meant any harm.  It's a natural question.  Even if it's a bit invasive.

I never quiet knew how to answer though.

Because the real answer made people feel bad.

The real answer is we struggled to get pregnant with Reagan.  We had to have help.  We were tested, probed and prodded.  And took medicine.  And I knew more about my body than I ever wanted to know.  And had a miscarriage before Reagan and one after.  And none of the doctors could tell us why.  It was not a pleasant time for us.

But we got through it.  And have a beautiful daughter.  But not everyone has a happy ending.

Could we have keep trying for more children?  Absolutely.  But after two miscarriages we were done. I feel for the families who have had multiple miscarriages.  I can't image the pain of multiple losses. It sucks.

But when I answered people that way they felt so bad for asking.  And really, they should.  But I never felt as bad as they felt.  And that made me feel bad.

One day while listening to Dr. Lauren some one called in and asked what should they say when people asked if they were going to have more children.  And Dr. Lauren gave us both an awesome answer that day.  My standard answer became "Ha!  We have all we can handle and all we can do right!" Smily face, smily face, smily face!

Most people accepted this answer.

Some did not.

Those who kept insisting we didn't know what we were missing by not having more children got the real answer.  And they felt bad.  And I did not.  I figured if you were going to continue to push your hurtful opinion on me then you deserved the hurtful truth.  And hopefully then, you'd think twice about asking some one if they were going to have more children.  And maybe then, you'd think twice about pushing your opinion on some one who only has one child.

Please understand.  I do not mind at all telling you my story.  Maybe you're going through the same troubles and need to know you're not alone.  I know I needed that when we were trying to get pregnant.  It brought me great comfort in knowing we weren't the only ones out there struggling!  Or maybe you're some one who just thinks about getting pregnant and do get pregnant.  So maybe you don't understand the struggles of someone who has to do more than just think about being pregnant. And maybe it's helpful for hear about the struggle so you can be more supportive and understanding.

Where I draw my line is when you insist we need more children.  When you tell me I don't know what I'm missing.  When you tell me that I'm depriving my child of siblings.  When you tell me everything that's wrong with an only children (I have so much fun with this one.  I'm only child also. So after they give me their list of what's wrong with only children I like to ask "Am I like that?  You know I'm an only child, right?  Do those qualities you just listed describe me?"  Now that's just plain fun!)

Maybe you think we're crazy to only have one kid.  That's ok!  I think you're crazy for having more than two.

But it's my little family.  And I love my little family.  And I would not go back and try to have more children.

Just like it's your big family.  And you love your big family.  And you can't image a life without all of your children.

And it's all ok!

But maybe think before you ask the "Are you going to have more kids?" question.  Because the answer might be heartbreaking for the couple.  Then again, it might not and it's just a personal choice. But it is a personal choice and not really your business.


  1. Some people can't see beyond their world and imagine the pain of others when they ask that question or any question that probes into your personal affairs. Truly, it's not your business!

  2. Love your style! Your loose-flowing text structure expressing deep feelings about a personal matter, about difficult experiences close to your heart. Good advice: "Think before you ask..." and yes, it's okay to answer, "Not really your business."

  3. Some people just don't know when to stop. As you say, no one knows a family's situation except the family. My wife and I had gone through testing and a miscarriage. Even with help we were never able to have a family. As with you, when people hear the story they are often at a loss for words.

  4. Thanks for taking the time to share this. It is difficult when society sets expectations about what is (and isn't) ok to offer advice on. And why do we have to accept ALL advice with a smile?

  5. I like that you include all the "but"s. People do have opinions to share, and some aren't afraid to do so. I like that you gave the "real" answer to the people who wouldn't stop. I'm with you...I hope they learned not to poke their nose too far into someone else's business.

  6. I still remember coming over the night of your 2nd miscarriage. ❤

  7. i hate this question - there is always judgment involved.